You’ve found yourself in an uncomfortable silence, frantically trying to think of something witty to say. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. As recent research has proven, the typical person finds themselves in awkward social situations at least 3 times a week.
But the thing is, having a repertoire of funny things to say can turn you from socially nervous to socially awesome in the blink of an eye. Whether you’re attempting to get the party started at a bash, diffuse tension during a heated argument, or need to make your friends laugh so hard their sides will ache, having the right words in the right place can work absolute magic.
I’ve put together the best compilation of funny quotes, clever retorts, and just plain stupid things to say that are sure to elicit a laugh (at least a snicker) from anyone within earshot.
Funny things to say
- You know what they say: Dynamite comes in small packages.
- I’m not weird. I’m limited edition.
- Why be moody when you can shake your booty?!
- Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
- Somebody said today that I’m lazy. I nearly answered him.
- I made a huge to-do list today. I just need to figure out who’s going to do it.
- It’s OK if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
- I’m not saying I’m overreacting. However, there are good times and bad times to hand me a chainsaw.
- My brain says “crunches,” but my stomach says “cupcakes.”
- Can you hear that? That’s my pillow calling, and it gets mean if I make it wait too long.
- Could you point me to the bathroom? I have a stool appointment.
- May I please be excused? My brain is full.
- Organized people are those who are just too lazy to find their things.
Funny sayings about life
- My wallet is like an onion. Every time I open it, it makes me cry.
- Don’t you tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
- Life is a bowl of soup, and I’m a fork.
- I finally found a machine at the gym that I like: the vending machine.
- If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off of it!
- A diamond is just a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
- I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning”—if it were a good morning, I’d be sleeping and not talking to people.
- I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.
- Whatever you’re doing, always give 100% unless you’re donating blood.
- Anything done before the first coffee of the day could be classified as self-defense.
Funny things to say to your parents
- I’m not lazy. I’m just very relaxed.
- When people tell me, “You’re going to regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon because I’m a problem solver.
- I don’t need a new hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
- My relationship is like an iPad. I don’t have an iPad.
- I never make the same mistake twice. I make it six or seven times to be sure.
- If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
- I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away—if you throw it hard enough!
- I sold the vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.
- Here I am! What are your other two wishes?
Funny things to say to your kids
- You’re not made of sugar—you won’t melt.
- Sure, I can help you out. Which way did you come in?
- Hay is for horses.
- No, you’re not adopted. But we’ve placed an ad.
- Do as I say, not as I do.
- Want to know what it’s like to have the best kid in the world? You’ll have to ask Grandma and Grandpa.
- Sorry, kids. But I have to follow the instructions on the aspirin bottle: Keep away from children.
- There’s so much I love about our little family, especially the part when you guys fall asleep.
Funny things to say to your best friend
- I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and then I eat it.
- Don’t worry. If Plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
- Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.
- You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
- My jeans say “eat a salad,” but my heart says “eat pizza.”
- I do all my ironing in the dryer.
- Cancel my subscription—I don’t need your issues.
- You’re one of the few people I find tolerable.
- Are you unhappy? Are you alone? Fear not, the light is always on for you in the fridge.
- A best friend is someone who clears your search history immediately after you die.
Funny things to say to your extended family
- I’m jealous of my parents. I’ll never have a kid who’s as cool, smart, or devilishly handsome as theirs.
- My weight? Eh, I get enough exercise from pushing my luck.
- My bed and I are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
- Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that people who have the most of them live the longest.
- The best part of going to work is coming home at the end of the day.
- God created the world. Everything else is made in China.
- If you can’t laugh at yourself, I can help you out.
- I’m so glad this family is on my side because they would make terrifying enemies.
Funny sayings that will make you LOL
- We’ve all met those people. You know the ones: No matter the situation, they’re ready with a comical quip. They seem to have a seemingly endless supply of funny sayings. Well, who says they get to have all the fun? Arm yourself with an arsenal of funny sayings so you, too, can successfully ease tension, seamlessly slide out of uncomfortable conversations, and give everyone you meet a big laugh.
- And yes, all sorts of funny quotes can sometimes do the trick. But there’s nothing like having some funny sayings about life top of mind and ready to use at any time. So get your pen and paper ready, because we’re rounding up some sayings. You’ll be cracking up (and thanking us) soon enough.
Conclusion
Learning to be able to say something funny is not just about being able to make people laugh. It’s about reaching people, making them smile. The 101 humorous lines we’ve examined range from goofy and spontaneous to witty and clever. They offer you choices for any situation and personality.
Keep in mind that timing is crucial when it comes to being funny, so rehearse. These one-liners and wait for the ideal time to utter them.
Begin using these funny catchphrases in your everyday dialogue, and who knows, you might be the person to bring laughter to everybody. Which of these funny lines will you use first? Go ahead and try one today – I promise you’ll enjoy the reply you receive.
